This book saved my life!
This product saved my life. Thank you, Survival!
Though I was initially taken aback by one of the reviews that stated this book was somewhat insulting to novices by saying that people who die in the woods are stupid (something I vehemently disagree with having witnessed how easy it can be to die in the woods first hand), I still bought the book anyway, and waited with bated breath for it to arrive, sitting cross-legged in my favorite chair beside my favorite window without eating or sleeping until I saw the mail truck arrive. Needless to say, it was one of the most exciting moments of my life. I met the mail man at the door, as I am often wont to do, and gingerly took his package in my hands, and my book too, and scurried inside excitedly.
I bought this book in preparation for a night long camping trip out in the wilds near our city lake. I know full well the dangers that come with camping, especially so far from civilization, and thank god I did. As soon as I unraveled the packaging of the book, I began reading it. I read it all through the day and night. I read it until my eyelids drooped with sleep, and I read until hunger made my stomach twist and clench. I read it until my fingers bled from flipping through the pages, and then I highlighted important passages with my dripping blood (not mentioned in the book: blood does not make a good highlighter as it is very inconsistent and if you bleed too much it will drip all over the page. Just a tip from one fellow forest survivor connoisseur to another.) The point is: I memorized this goddamn book, front to back. I knew what to do if I couldn't find my way back to camp. I knew what to do if a bear was coming after me. Hell, I even knew what to do if I happened to be digging and uncover a leaking, neon yellow barrel of radioactive fluid out in the middle of nowhere. This book covers everything.
I bet you're wondering how this book saved my life, though, huh? I'll cut to the point: The trip was going extremely well up until it came time to put up the tent - while the book covers almost every single emergency you could possibly run into, it does not cover how to put up a tent, especially the 300 square ft., all amenities included lodging tent I recently acquired. This is when things got... well, messy. I was about two minutes into beginning to try to start to figure out how to get into putting up this tent when my son Andrew caught his foot in one of the tent string thingies. No big deal, right? Wrong. Andrew promptly fell over and directly onto a nest of squirrels. We heard them before we saw them. I knew it was time for my training to shine as I had prepared for this for at least a day before hand. The book had taught me what to do about squirrels. The book had taught me everything.
I knew they were coming. The only question was, would we have time to get away? Using the squirrel attack equation provided to us in the book, I quickly calculated I'd have approximately 3.24 seconds to grab Andrew and get him into a safe area. But where would we go? The lake? No, the book had said there were sharks down there, cruel business men hoping to scam you out of as much money as possible. No, that wouldn't be safe. Perhaps back toward the road? No, no, that was at least 500 feet away. We wouldn't have enough time. They'd be on us like starving dogs. I had to stop myself from imagining the squirrels atop my boy Andrew, ripping apart his flesh from the inside, using his corpse like a carousel ride. There wasn't any time left. I did what I had to. Thank god the book had four hour long complementary improv classes should you ever be stuck in a situation that requires quick thinking, much like this one.
Without hardly thinking, I grabbed the tent string thingies and threw them over a low hanging tree branch overhead, then I quickly wrapped Andrew up in the tent like a burrito (the tent was large enough that i wrapped him up six times in it). Using all of my body weight, I pulled on one end of the rope until Andrew was hoisted up to the tree branch, safe and sound. Then I went on the offensive. Using the Tae Kwon Do and Krav Maga classes the book also provided for free, I fought off every last squirrel there was, the thought of my poor, defenseless, 35-year-old, 210 lbs child, wrapped up above me fueling every kick to a squirrel jaw, every karate chop slice to a squirrel gut. Within just mere minutes, they were all running away from my fury, or lying dead around me. After double checking to make sure there were no more hiding in the bushes or trees, I slowly hoisted my boy Andrew back down. But when I went to unravel my child, I noticed something strange: a tag sticking out from his neck. "Oh my, Andrew," I remarked, surprised. "You've a tag hanging from your neck! Let me just get that for you dear." I went to grab the tag and gently yank it from his flesh, when I realized it: this wasn't my son at all! I had accidentally mistaken my goose feather king sized pillow for my 35-year-old son! Funny how life works sometimes!
Anyway, I credit this book to having saved my life and the life of my son's that day and having taught me many skills I still use in my day to day life. Now let's see if it can save my marriage. Thanks, Survival!